Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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