When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
