my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
