I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
All I want is dick and wine.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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