why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
