I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
