i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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