i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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