As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
