People with herpes should wear stickers.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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