Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
