she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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