Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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