so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
