I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
