oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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