you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
