I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
