dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize