When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
