No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
