pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
