I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
