Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
