Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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