I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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