it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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