All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
