Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
