if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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