i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
