Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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