my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
