I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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