where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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