If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Im part way to drunk.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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