By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
