i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize