Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
