first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm experimenting with sincerity
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
