I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
