That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
