every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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