Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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