i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
