Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize