we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
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