I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
