my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Of course I have a pirate flag
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
