My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
