Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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