Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
