I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize