I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
