I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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