all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
