Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
