That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
