I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize